Ab Imo Pectore

Moving Day.

2010-08-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'm packing up and leaving. I'm through with this place. And you know what... my Blogger is coming with me.

Tumblr, here we come.

CARAMARIETERLEP.TUMBLR.COM

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Little Things

2010-08-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

I let the little things get to me too much. They distract me.

I was at Disneyland. Who KNOWS the next time I'm going to go. I could've gotten an annual pass. I could've gotten a T-shirt. I should've done what I wanted to do but I let a small little thing lay a nest in my mind and thrive.

Such is life.

Aside from a bit of a tiff, Disneyland was so great. It was so nice to see everyone and hang out with everyone again. I am going to miss them so much.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Tumblr Reading

2010-08-11T19:42:00.001-07:00

You're too right.
life is a beautiful struggle.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

The Punchbowl for the Devil

2010-08-11T19:31:00.000-07:00

Run ahead.
They'll follow soon enough.
Run, run, jog, jog, slow to a walk.
This looks way too familiar.
Trails and brush.
Heart stops and muscles tighten.
WHY oh why did I go ahead.
Stupid Cara.
When are they coming?
Soon?
I've never, ever felt this before.
I scan the bushes.
Rustling, just the wind?
Where are they.
For the first time in my life, my blood turns to ice and I feel paralyzed.
"CAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRAAAAAA."
Thank God.

Chelsea. I wonder why it couldn't have been someone else. I miss you too much. I love you too much. Why why why why why. My heart still hurts for you beautiful.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Creeping Sadness

2010-08-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

To all you assholes who continue to doubt my ability to withstand a long-distance relationship:

You clearly do not know me nor my ability to withstand the greatest obstacles. I do not overcome them with ease, but I do overcome them. I, for a fact, know YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CAPACITY OF TRUE AND REAL LOVE. I do. Plain and simple. Deep within myself I am confident that love can conquer and will conquer the evil of distance.

If you're right about your negativity, congradufuckinglations. If you're wrong, I will be the happiest woman alive.

Babe, if you don't listen to yourself, then who will listen to you?

Believe me.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Space Junk

2010-08-07T06:47:00.000-07:00

Even though I usually am a cynic and know "shooting stars" are usually pieces of OUR OWN SPACE TRASH being disintegrated as they fly through the atmosphere, you should know one thing.

I started wishing on them because of you.
Every one I see is just one more effort and step towards loving you and being with you forever.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

The End

2010-08-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

It was the end, and it was hard.

Power Surge softball has been in my life since I got serious about softball. Because of Power Surge, I AM the player, teammate, person I am today. Although there have been many girls that have come and gone, each and every single one has done SOMETHING for me whether it was making me more patient with myself and those stupid at bats or helping me realize that I could give a shit what others think when I'm having fun.

This past week was the trip of a lifetime. It was the best way possible to really say goodbye and to cleat up together one last time.

Thank you Fred and Rodney for always being there. You are the best coaches and role models around. I respect you more than you know.

I love you girls. Especially all of us "core" players that have been together for years. You have a special place in my heart no one else will ever be able to fill.
Thank you for everything.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie
"Bird-eeee"

Color

2010-08-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

I wish that I was given a large face of rock that was untouched, smooth, and screaming for attention.

I'd soothe it's loneliness. I would paint it with beautiful colors. Swirls and stripes and stars and moons and flowers and the colors of human emotion. I'd have brushes of all different sizes as well as dozens of buckets of paint encompassing me. I would climb ladders for those hard to reach places and mind my step as to not step on the beautiful flowers growing near the rock.

I would then step back and smile.

I hope I color your world when you feel untouched, unloved, and you're screaming for attention. I will go to extremes to see your smile.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Permanance

2010-07-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

For Chelsea. For me.

I love this ink.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Colored Needles

2010-07-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

I get my tattoo in 2 days.

I can't wait. My excitement is beyond words and my patience is wearing thin. I want it now! I want to be tattooed and marked. Branded.

I am going to love it. It will help me love me.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Making New Friends, Best Friends

2010-07-25T01:02:00.000-07:00

It's strange to think that I am going to be so close with people at Lewis next year.
I really hope we can call each other best friends, because I'd love that.
I'll be there for you if you're there for me. We all seem really, really open with each other already. We can all laugh, laugh, and laugh. We're ready for something new. I LOVE that. These 4 weeks will be long without a doubt, but we're going to have one hell of a year.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Sister

2010-07-25T00:56:00.000-07:00

I often wonder why God puts certain people in my life.

I know why Jenna is in my life. To make me smile. And make me laugh. And do things with me no one else would. And be there for me on the phone when I'm bawling by myself in my room. To hug me ALWAYS. To talk about things I just can't talk about with other people.

To be the sister I never had.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Boys Boys Boys

2010-07-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

I just saw a documentary on domestic abuse and violence. It bothers me and makes the pit of my stomach smolder.

We like boys in cars... right?

Wrong. Men, Boys, whatever you want us to call you, we don't give a rat's ass if you have a nice car. If you open the door for us to your far-from-Bentlymobile, it's much better than abandoning us to open the door for ourselves to your new beemer.

Don't get me wrong, there are gold diggers. There are materialistic women, and you know what? The materialistic men can have them. Weed them out so us normal women can have a shot as a dashing young man who's will to pay for ice cream tonight.

Lastly, never, ever, ever, ever hit a woman. Women, never, ever, ever, ever seriously emotional abuse a man. We both deserve better. We both should know better. Ladies, don't blame yourselves and don't be afraid to just walk away. It's easier said than done but someone who loves you can and will help you. Men, you can't be afraid to stand up for yourselves.

You are worth so much. Prove them wrong.

I'm lucky. I've got one that treats me better than I could've ever imagined. I wish I could give every woman what I have.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

A Very, Very Good Dear Carolyn

2010-07-24T11:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Carolyn:

I know you are supposed to make peace with and grow past things that are unfair, like crappy parents who favor someone else, bad ex-es that seem to sail through unscathed, friends who put in less effort than yourself, etc. But I'm so tired of being told some variation of "life isn't fair" and that it's my choice to be angry or upset. I know life isn't fair. I'm trying like hell to not be bitter at holding the perpetual short end of the stick.
But sometimes I am angry. Sometimes I am resentful. I need some concrete advice on how not to feel a burning pit in my stomach on occasions.

-Anonymous

ANSWER: All you can do is force yourself- and it really will take force sometimes- to work on removing "perpetual" from the equation.
It's normal and understandable for people who feel they've been shorted to put their hands out- to reach for what they think is their due. Usually, though, that only heightens the bitterness and sense of injustice, because good things don't just come to people who have their hands out.
One alternative is to make concerted efforts to go OUT and earn the things you want most. That's a littler more productive, but it's not perfect; the things so many people want most require others to come through for them. To be loved, someone has to love you; to be rich, someone has to pay you, etc. Hard work can be its own reward, sure, but when you're looking for cosmic payoff, it often doesn't feel like enough. It can even contribute to a sense that you're working twice as hard as everyone else, for only half the payout.
That's why a counterintuitive alternative is often the best one: putting your hand out to give. There's something about being generous with your time, you love, you expertise, your money- whatever you've got to spare- that acts like antivenin on the bitterness of no receiving. In a way, it puts you in the position of being the person you always wanted to have in your life: the one who recognized you were getting shorted, and who makes it up to you. You can make it up to those who got an even shorter end of the stick.
Try it, at least. Even if it doesn't wipe you out of your bitterness entirely, it will leave however many people better for your having suffered. That's got to be something.

-Carolyn

This is truly golden and very, very treasured advice. I am so glad I read the newspaper this morning.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

LONGING to Leave

2010-07-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

COLLEGE COLLEGE COLLEGE.

I'm screaming to get out of here.

I feel a lack of attachment. Sometimes people really don't even care anymore except about THEMSELVES. I cared about humanity until they stopped caring about me, other people, things that matter.

I would try talking with our race about it, but they wouldn't listen. They'd pretend to listen and then talk shit about me to the rest of their kind about me and how I actually told them how I was feeling, and in a round about way saying that I was wrong for feeling that way and that I was the one who wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. No one, NO ONE is wrong for feeling something. That's human nature, and I'll do what I want.

"Don't make someone a priority if you're only an option."

I've been the option, you're no longer my priority.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Wasting Time

2010-07-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the next month will simply be full of me wasting time, anticipating my new life in Illinois.

I need to enjoy this last month, or I will regret not seeing the people I know in my heart I'm really, really going to miss.

I love my boyfriend. It's enough to make me go crazy. It's enough to make me mad.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Wandering, wandering

2010-07-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

(Love me) when I least deserve it
because that is when (I really need) it
(you) and I go separate ways
in a numerable amount of days
I may sink
and I may swim
my sinkhole-heart enjoys a whim
all to often for my baby feet
that are so hesitant and subject to defeat

I misstep so often now
I often wonder where and how
I'll be the person I so desire
and why my brain is under fire
for wanting, wishing, hoping rampant
I am just 18 goddamn it.

So yes, please, love me, love me
don't leave behind
such a needy, infantile mind
whose yearn to run is so great
as the world whispers, "wait, wait... wait."

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Out of Africa; Part VI

2010-07-17T22:46:00.000-07:00

It's unfortunate for my family and most of my fellow America citizens that I was given the opportunity to visit Tanzania, let alone Africa. Now all I want to do is go back. Americans can be so ungrateful and spoiled. "I've sacrificed and worked hard all my life," my father would say. I'm almost positive he never worked the same way or against the same difficulties that a majority of Africans so. Yet, they are so much kinder, and gentler than the crotchety rich and stubbornly content.

There is NOTHING wrong with being the latter, It's just my opinion.

Yes, it is nice to be comfortable financially. But I personally want to know how it feels to be unsure if I'm going to make the payment for my dumpy apartment in a bad part of town. I feel as if I am destined to know what it's like to have to do without lunch today or even get by with two t-shirts, tennies, a bra and undies, MAYBE a jacket and a pair of jeans (which is so much more than SO many people have). Hey, if I'm lucky, a toothbrush and toothpaste.

My parents always look at me sideways when I tell them I want to have to scrap up dollars and live with others who have to too.

But I do, I really do.

But I also want to save, educate, and help others all over the world. And that costs money. Missionary nursing?? Simply volunteering my services as long as my malaria pills were provided.

I hate how unfair the world is. Maybe unfairness is God's most efficient form of population control.

That's it. I've got You figured out Big Guy.

Why must You think link unfairness, unhappiness, and loneliness so close together? I feel as if they're triplet foster children no one wants but they have to go to some people are one time or another.

Being alive, you apparently sign up to be a foster parent to three sad kiddies.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

One Year.

2010-07-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we will have been together for 365 days.

I never saw this coming... did you?

Having you in my life makes it whole. As a matter of fact, YOU make me whole.
Thank you for being my best friend, my boyfriend, the love of my life, everything I need you to be.

I love you more than words and actions could ever express.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Ninja

2010-07-17T22:06:00.000-07:00

Orientation was great. I forget how much I love Chicago until I walk into the 90 degree heat with humidity. I forget how great my family is and how much I miss them when I'm not visiting. Sitting in the grass playing with my cousins watching one of the little ones play softball. No shoes, white tank top, and a pair of jean shorts. Sweet summertime in the Windy City.

The girls I'll be rooming with are great. The girls I'll be playing with are great. The campus is beautiful, and the people are nice.

39 days 'til the rest of my life begins.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Orientation

2010-07-14T08:28:00.001-07:00

Today I fly to Lewis for Freshman Orientation. I get to meet the people ill be spending a majority of my next 4 years with. Ill be a bit of an outsider, but with my lack of shame, outgoing personality, and ability to adapt, I will have a great time and it will be fun.

I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready.
Mrs. Belknap, thank you for your support.
"I am a strong and confident woman."

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Out of Africa; Part V

2010-07-10T17:09:00.001-07:00

I understand now that we are a race of intertwining webs. Some may choose to ignore the paths to assist others they were destined from the start to take, but it does not mean that path has disappeared because it has been ignored. We all need help. We cannot withstand the millions of things and horrors the world puts us against as a sick game alone. The ignorant believe they can. The selfish think they can. It is a simple truth, they cannot.

Some are unable to do what we "expect" of them because they do not have the guidance, the resources, or the understanding.

I used to ridicule the welfare system. And its motive. Why give someone money they haven't even earned? What about those who ARE working and get by without the checks from Obama? I now only criticize and am angered with the system and the imbeciles that refuse to create a welfare system "renaissance." Its motive is perfectly clear. It accomplishes what I want my life to be centered around.

Give people the resources and knowledge I posses and they don't have in order to help them. Real philanthropy. Help them on their feet out of the fetal position. Once they are on their feet, teaching them to walk, then run, then prosper so they are able to help others do the same.

Spider friends on out intertwining web.

When I live in Tanzania, I will be Baba. Sister. Then I will have children and will be Mama. I like this. A name is just a name.

I will be different that my parents. All children in our generation will be. My children will be separately and uniquely beautiful. Their mommy will change the world, even if its just theirs.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

P.S. I miss my Aunt a lot.

Out of Africa; Part IV

2010-07-10T16:56:00.000-07:00

My thoughts are snowflakes.

I wish to stand in front of my future husband and crumple into a ball of weakened fury as I scream,

"Do you know how it feels to want to do all things good for all things good with every ounce of energy in your soul? Do you know how it feels to know even with that desire above all things and burning compassion you will never be able to?"

Then he will be able to decide then and there whether he would ever be able to put up with a woman who will never be satisfied with the ways of the world. He will be able to decide whether he's willing to put up with a heart that is as large as Africa itself yet is vulnerable enough to break at the shrug of a U.S. politicians shoulders indicating that he is unable to do anything further which also means he is not being paid enough to pay that much attention to an entire people and he would not be voted back into office in the following election if he did.

He will be able to decide whether he is able to stand living conditions of squalor in order to distribute medical care no one else is trained to administer in the country. Or whether he'll ever be ready to pick up our things and leave due to my inability to just let bad things happen to good people and my itching nature to start over.

I may never, ever marry.

The kindness of those who have nothing to offer but a smile and sincere thanks far surpasses those who chose to be ignorant and indifferent that have all the wealth in the world to give.

I have been brainwashed by schooling in history in the U.S. but those who taught me how to write taught me how to think without letting those who turn a blind eye invade my personality and wonderment. I am my own person and will do whatever my heart desires. You will not and cannot stop me.

I hate time. It's so unstable, similarly to me. Love hates time. Well, young love hates time.

I could be married or pregnant, laughing at my not-so-childlike dreams I've written here in 5 years. Or I could be in the villages of Ethiopia saving babies and guiding their hospitals and nurses while teaching them how to give proper care all while causing such a fuss that I headline the biggest American newspaper and magazine, forcing the big US of A to finally turn its stubborn, isolated head towards political, social, and human instability. I could still be in school, pushing myself further into my studies in order to better myself for other.

Or I could be sitting on an all-too-soft bed writing as I am now, wondering, questioning, guessing what is to become of me.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Out of Africa; Part III

2010-07-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

Africa does bad things to me. I do no want to go home.

Its alluring smell, touch, and taste force me to long for it before I ever leave. Being the lucky, wealthy and white American girl I am, this trip has been nothing but all things gold-plated served on a silver platter. As I do, in most cases and situations, I look past the enjoyment and look for what no one else cares to notice. I feel as if my life will consist of submitting myself to constant self-improvement and expecting myself to bring the world with me.

In Tanzania, I've have time to think and listen to my thoughts carefully. They are important. I have learned to realize so therefore I've begun to listen to them.

"Listen. It'll take you farther than you could ever imagine." Like Explosions in the Sky. I lay in my bed, usually at night alone, and close my eyes without sleeping. I let the instrumentals drift into my ears and swim to my brain. I think pick each instrument out. Snare. Electric guitar. Bass. Keyboard. Cymbals. I give them each their individual attention because that is the least they deserve for making such beautiful, inhuman sounds. And near the end of each song which I know by heart, I let them all blend together again to form what the band intended for me to hear. Or maybe they sought the evening dissection of my neural wires? I do not know.

A crowd of voices is composed of individual, different, completely various genetic coded human being. Not all Republicans are rich, white men that drink cognac in their parlor rooms of their Georgia plantation homes. Not all Democrats are au-naturale, bra-burning feminists who believe in a communist economy either. We are all snowflakes.

We are the instruments of "Your Hand in Mine." We all sound unique unto ourselves and fit a certain beat or rhythm.

You cannot argue that.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Out of Africa; Part II

2010-07-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

I am Cara Marie. I will not get married until the state I am living in makes Gay Marriage legal. I will be the best Nurse I can be. I am currently learning Swahili and plan to become fluent, in Spanish as well and maybe sprinkle a little Italian in there. I'm getting a tattoo and purchasing black, forest green, and red TOMS when I have the chance. I love the smell of water and salt as well as air-dried laundry. All white makes me nervous and I dislike how strawberries feel in my mouth but love the taste. Bruce Springsteen is good as well as A Fine Frenzy (not to mention Beirut). I will probably smoke weed and get drunk more than once in my life and I hope someone gives me a bracelet making kit as a gift. If my life were perfect, I would hate it and using my health care training will ultimately lead me to an East African country. Sweating doesn't phase me My tolerance to both pain and ibuprofen is high. I think all kind and good-hearted women are beautiful. My camera is hanging off my right shoulder and I would like to show you my photography.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

P.S. You have no idea how important this was to me
P.P.S. You just saw a bit of my brain in a mere 5 minutes. Congrats, and thank you for getting to know me better.

Out of Africa; Part I

2010-07-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

I missed/miss blogging so much so... I'm declaring this a mobile blog. I like to blog so much because I honestly and truthfully believe I think 37 MPH faster that the average human being. Not only faster but I try to cram 4 x as much information into my thoughts. So with 4x as much information at 37 MPH, I'm come to the conclusion I am different.

"But everyone is unique and different in their own SPECIAL way, Cara! God made us that way."

Blah blah blah. Sorry I snoozed a bit considering that's the umpteeth time I've heard that cute little phrase.

The thing is, I don't have a single problem with the phrase's MEANING, I simply have a problem with how revoltingly cliché it is.

There is a tree full of weaver bird nests in front of me. They're being jostled quite violently form the wind. I'd prefer not to be a weaver bird in this situation. But I'd also prefer not to be an 18-year old in limbo between graduation and college. But then again, someone would kill to be where I am in life. Or would they? I'm feel as if I'm being arrogant and putting thoughts/words into some else's head. But hey, let's be honest. I'm fucking lucky. Beyond lucky. I'm flat out spoiled.

Oh my goodness. THIS SONG ON MY IPOD IS DREADFUL. Ah, World at Large by Modest Mouse. Much better.

My heart might burst there is so much love, passion, curiosity, drive, compassion, yearn to learn and fire inside of it.

If I was given a genie and I had ONE wish, seriously just one, I would ask:
"Genie, please, grant me the ability to be the change I wish to see in the world."

That's a loaded wish. I feel that if it was the genie from Aladdin, he'd laugh and tell me to wish for chocolate bars or a pony or something useless compared to my desire.

I'd change a lot of things. I think if Obama and I had a dinner together, hah scratch that, a day of hanging out at HIS place, we would wish for the same thing. Maybe he could tell me what he REALLY thinks he can do for America and the world without the help of a genie. I would pinkie promise I wouldn't run to TIME or People or even the Wall Street Journal but I would ONLY go to the National Inquirer because no one listens to them. I can see us being good friends. You can't blame a country's problems on a single human being. It'd be so much easier to blame God. But that's not allowed, right? We can only thank him, right?

Sacré bleur, organized religion.

After nursing school, I should probably graduate. A good, logical first step. Afterwards... shit I don't know.

Here's my problem. If you don't have goals, you are a nobody. A waste of American. A "I'll-live-with-my-parent-until-I'm-34" kind of person. But if you partially plan out your life (as I have) you're over zealous, a little crazy, and according to some, violating God's plan.

To those who have said that latter to me, what if I'm so goddamn, wicked-great that I PREDICTED it perfectly? Chew on that.

Maybe God's plan for me is to question his existence, his power, his influence, his "plan." Maybe He had one for me but He lost it on accident, like a pile of papers your mom accidentally throws away because she thinks it's trash. Maybe there were a dozen or so other plans in that stack too. Maybe that means my soul is free to do whatever the hell it pleases and He'll be like, "Ain't nothin' but a thang homie" and He'll put a huge OKAY stamp on my forehead and my check-in to heaven papers because HE lost my plan. Or maybe He's blending OUR plans together so we're both happy. You know, reconciling. That'd be nice of Him.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Bon Voyage

2010-06-21T23:37:00.001-07:00

Goodbye America.
Hello Tanzania.

Goodbye blog.
Hello new, fresh, leather-bound journal.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Power Surge Softball

2010-06-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

I've been playing with this organization for 5 years and they never fail to make me happy.

Winning the qualifier yesterday was an amazing feeling. Even though I wasn't able to ACTIVELY participate, it was so great to see my friends play great softball. I WAS able to share that joy with them.

Midnight train to Georgia. The tribe can't wait to see you.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

P.S. I lied in my last post. I have two places. One is on a softball team. The other is not anywhere in particular. My second place is wherever I go, with whoever I'm with, at whatever time in my life. Sometimes, it feels pretty damn good to be me.

a little bit of loneliness.

2010-06-20T19:06:00.001-07:00

I'm not going to lie, I feel lonely with all of my "school" friends sometimes. I could be surrounded by 15 of them, and still feel a little lonely. I feel as if there are known levels of intimacy between certain individuals and I express my emotions and love for them more than they express it towards me. Hey, maybe they really don't enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Maybe I need new friends. Maybe I'm overestimating the strength of those friendships. Maybe I don't really know what a true friendship is. Maybe I am looking for too much in other people.

Fuck, there are so many maybes running through my head I wanna mow them down like the nazi zombies in COD.

*sigh*

I'm never really had a place anyways.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Dream Come True.

2010-06-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

I've finally sketched, sized, and finalized what my tattoo is going to be. It's finally my dream tattoo come true.

The black-capped chickadee. The Dogwood branch. The song lyrics. Euphoria.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Cartilage.

2010-06-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

In the event of turning 18, I got my cartilage pierced at Enigma Tattoo in Pacific Beach :) It was really fun going with my best friends, whom also got piercings (traigus and cartilage as well). It's kind of cool to be asked for your ID and to be able to make these kinds of decisions just because you've turned a certain age.

It hasn't registered I'm a LEGAL adult.

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Santa Barbara

2010-06-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

I know that PC is over, but I legitimately can't get enough of the people. The past three days Tara, Katie, Katie, James, Jenna, Grant, Sunil, David, Claire, Dr. Fitz, and I spent 3 days on the Ellwood Ranch in Santa Barbara. It was the best summer kickoff I could ask for. We camped, laughed, loved, watched sunsets, beached, shopped, shared stories, sympathized, empathized, but most importantly to me, enjoyed the presence of one another.

I love peer counseling and always will. But more importantly I love the individuals who compose it. Thank you so much for making a huge impact on my life.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Graduation

2010-06-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

The change from undergraduate to graduate within a matter of seconds was quite surreal.

When I sat in my seat and looked around and drank in the stadium, I saw hundreds of individuals. Not just a class of seniors, but I saw each and every single person as a different entity that would one day take on his or her role in society. It was strange and comforting at the same time.

As my name was called, my heart beat quickly unintentionally and I smiled as Ms. Markham shook my hand and gave me my diploma. She was sincere with her wishes and so was Mr. Fisher. I really appreciate Mr. Fisher as a principal, administrator, and a human being. I then walked back to my seat, laughed with Mandy as we congratulated each other up the rows and sat.

Then Grad Nite began and we laughed and played and danced and enjoyed the night away.

To all seniors, although you may not feel ready for what is to become of you, you are. Regardless of how immature, daddy's girl, momma's boy, home-loving, and young you are, you are ready.

Life will MAKE you ready.

Congratulations Class of '10.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

P.S. I'm really going to miss it here.

The Last 9 Days

2010-06-17T12:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged. I've come here and started typing a post but never really felt that what I had to say was worthwhile.

I sometimes forget that everything I have to say is worthwhile. Everything YOU have to say, or think, is worthwhile.

Don't doubt yourself. We are all beautiful creatures with an overwhelming capacity for knowledge. Use it, enjoy it, show it off.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Huge Day.

2010-06-08T05:43:00.000-07:00

I've stopped blogging the last week. I think it's because I've been afraid to tackle the subjects of becoming legal and graduating.

I can't be afraid anymore because the day is here.

Today, June 8th, is the day I become a legal graduate.

I am on to bigger, sometimes better, things. Thank you Poway High and the last 17 years of my life.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Summer.

2010-06-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

It's my favorite concoction.

It tastes like Eric's kisses
mixed with
my best friend's favorite, pink lemonade
as well as
the salt of sunflower seeds and sweat and ocean blue
and
the ice, cold milkshakes made at 2 AM while laughing and giggling and hugging and just being close
swirled with
the warm air of summer nights speckled with stars and Gemini
and lastly,
the sweetest bliss of youth and freedom.

Summer, you tickle my tongue.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Thank you, Against Me!

2010-05-31T19:42:00.001-07:00

"Stop! Take some time to think. Figure out what's important to you. You've got to make a serious decision."

Against Me! has some good lyrics. Simple and blunt, but it's meaningful.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Parents

2010-05-30T13:43:00.001-07:00

"Those who criticize me forget who raised me. Those who criticize my generation forget who raised us."

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Confirmation

2010-05-29T18:38:00.003-07:00

Oh, by the by. I'm joining the Peace Corps straight out of college. World, I'm ready to be the change I wish to see. I'm ready to be the change YOU wish to see.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Beautiful Day

2010-05-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

After each death this year, the weather has been breath-taking.

I went out today to enjoy the sunshine our angels in the sky gave us. Thank you beautiful girls. Keep smiling.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

CB;VA;CK;AD;BE | Why?

2010-05-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

Clay Blackburn.

Veronica Aguirre

Chelsea King

Amber Dubois

Bre Richardson

These are 5 children. Babies in this world of what seems to be horrors, terrors, and monsters under the bed. I have never been faced with such reality in my 17 years of life. I legitimately feel like God is purposely trying to numb me. What will You throw at me later? Because I'm almost positive there are more tribulations that I ever expected from You.

I still have no answers, and I have only ONE question. One, utterly complex question.

Why?

I will never, ever get an answer. Don't You find that a little unfair God?

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Ghandi with Overactive Adrenal Glands

2010-05-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

" GET EXCITED AND CHANGE THINGS . "

but really, do it.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Dirty Room

2010-05-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day I'll ever play high school softball. This is the last time I would ever play with the girls that are on that team. This is the last time I go to play with so many girls I've known since I moved here.

I'm happy that I am growing up and moving on to bigger and better things. But it's a legitimately sad experience to know that the memories of the last 4 years are done being made.

But now there is time for new ones. With new people, new coaches, new successes, and new trials/errors.

It's so nice to always have that friend who has always been there, is always there, and WILL always be there. Mandy Kathy, I'll love you forever.

Yes, I know I can be a bitch. Yes, I know I'm sensitive and can't always express/contain my feelings the correct way. And yes, these are all components to the overall Cara. Don't stand in your driveway waving your arms and screaming that I am a bitch and that I use you as my punching bag.

You said the wrong thing at the wrong time. It's almost like you don't say all the right things anymore. What used to stop my anger and frustration seems to just create more of it. I don't know if your sincerity supply is running low or you just don't care as much anymore. I legitimately don't know. Maybe you'll get upset about this, maybe you'll actually listen to me for once instead of constantly asking "what?" after I have been talking to you. Maybe you'll have had enough of me and we'll go our separate ways and continue on with life.

Who the fuck knows. Well, God does. But He's not going to let me know anytime soon. Are You? Because that would be pretty cool if You did. Also God, I really, really, really hope You heard me when I asked for a hug from You. If it's not until I die, that'd be okay with me too.

Well, getting back on track, Alexi Murdoch's mellow tones and soothing tenor make me melt.

Oh, my room is dirty. It's been filthy for weeks. I need to take care of it, yet I don't know if I have the patience and will to.

Ha, that's funny. Sounds a lot like my life.

"Feel I'm on the verge of some greath thruth
Were I'm finally in my place
But I'm thumbling still for proof
And it's cluttering my space
Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move ahead
I can hardly leave my room" - Wait; Alexi Murdoch

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

all of my days; alexi murdoch

2010-05-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
Soon I'll smile
I know I?ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it's coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It's even breathing
Feels all right

everchanging; rise against

2010-05-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

in the face of change
is when she turned to me and said,
"I'm not sure anymore..."

and there amidst the waves
and the cloudless skies
that blanket the year before
I watch my life wash ashore

have you ever been a part of something
that you thought would never end?
and then of course it did

have you ever felt the weight inside you
pulling away inside your skin?
and then something had to give

now the lines are drawn
is this feeling gone?
the best parts of this have come and gone
and now that is all this is

with the reasons clear
we'll spend another year
without direction, full of fear
but now things will be different

there's nothing simple when it comes to you and I
always something in this everchanging life
and it probably always will
now that time is getting harder to come by
the same arguments are always on our mind
we've killed this slowly fading light

now something has kept me here too long and you can't leave me if i'm already gone

make the same mistakes we're always hanging on
break the promises we're always leaning on
all this time spent waking up
now I keep this line open to get this call from you as you speak the words
that keep me coming back to you now this time it's all different

now something has kept me here too long and now i'm gone...

Sticking to My Guns

2010-05-24T18:56:00.000-07:00

I'm more than happy with myself that I didn't drink on Prom night. First off, it was completely unnecessary involving my level of enjoyment. Secondly, I stick to my word. Not for other people, but completely for myself.

I like the trust I have with myself. It only JUST developed over the past year. I used to never trust myself, I always found myself, my thoughts, and my actions so unreliable. But it's nice to find internal stability, especially when it seems like everything, I mean everything, around me is experiencing a record-breaking earthquake.

Prom was great. Really, really great. As always, I love my best friends.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

PROM '10

2010-05-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

I honestly never thought this day would come. Senior Prom? The awaited day of our youth that is full of glitz and glam and laughs and beauty and mistakes and just being young. It will be over by tomorrow.

This is extremely bittersweet. Cheers to Prom 2010.

I love my parents and brother. I love my friends. I love Eric. Darling, I wish you were here.

High school is almost over. And I'm almost ready for it. College is approaching. And I'm almost ready for it.

Growing up, now that I'm not so sure about. I want to be forever young.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Home Run.

2010-05-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

I hit my first Varsity home run on Friday afternoon against Carlsbad. No, I didn't really help win the game considering the score was 10-2. It felt good. I didn't know I could do that, honestly. I've always been the "just for base hits" kind of player. But a home run? I like this change of pace.

I'm really, really still upset about my arm. But I guess when things fall apart, that makes room for other things to come together. Maybe this confidence and being able to see what I can do will stay with me for quite some time.

I love softball. A lot.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

The Senior Project

2010-05-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

Although at the beginning of this whole shebang, I thought I wanted to die. All the e-mails, all the contacting, all the organization. It's just nothing like me to do all these secretarial tasks. Give me something to do that's creative or even invigorating. I'll take it any old day. But organizing and fundraising? Not exactly my cup of tea.

But I raised $4,705. 5 kids are going to be able to feel accepted and normal. Or maybe even 10 kids will be able to go for half the price.

This project did so much for me. It quite literally FORCED me to do things I didn't want to do, things I did not know how to do, and do things I did not know I was capable of.

Who knew I could organize such a profitable event and help so many kids? I sure as hell didn't.

This was a great task. Great as in gigantic as well as extremely enjoyable. I feel as if I have developed one more area of expertise to slip into my file of "Yes, I Am Able To Do This." It feels good.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

The Death of The Ballturret Gunner

2010-05-17T19:11:00.000-07:00

"From my mother's sleep I fell into the State,

and I hunched in its belly til my wet fur froze.

Six miles from earth, loosed from its dream of life,

I woke to black flak and the nightmare fighters.

When I died they washed me out of the turret with a hose."

- Randall Jarrel

This is what the children of today face. The present and future.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

God,

2010-05-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

I know you are still aching from the loss of Chelsea's presence in humanity. She is with you, I KNOW she is, and she is more beautiful than ever before. But please God, don't give up on us. "It" is not the majority of man. There are so many that are unlike him. I am unlike him in all ways and motives. I know we are turning to you for support, but I want You to know that we're not all destined to make this world godforsaken. I feel as if you want to put ease Your anger and abandon us. Please God, please please please. Don't. Work with us to change the world. We need a change, and we can change for You and with You. I love you so much. Chelsea, I love you so much.

Yours Always,

Cara

P.S. Can you ensure that "it" goes to hell? I want him to suffer worlds of hurt, intense pain, and sorrow. As our hearts have.

Excess

2010-05-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

There is so many things that I want to blog about. Like I list 10 things off the top of my head:

Moving out
My dog
softball
The day they found Chelsea
My anger with humanity
Rekindled love
The senior project
Under and over appreciation
Peer Counseling
Getting my ears pierced

I'll do it, I know I will. I guess I've just been a little, well, wordless for once.

I miss you angel.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Crumbled Dollars

2010-05-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes this is how I feel.

I'm walking in a big city with comfortable jeans, boots, and a warm sweater. Don't forget the new tweed jacket. It's a little nippy and I'm smiling at the strangers I make eye contact with. It's the beginning of the day.

I walk to the park sit on a bench to enjoy the sun rays. I peel off my jacket and put it on the park bench. I know I shouldn't leave it there, but I'm really thirsty so I briskly jog to the water fountain and take a few sips. And jog back. Alas, a young "peddler" is stalking off with it almost out of eyesight. Good bye new favorite jacket.

I walk into the café where I work. I'm a little bummed about the jacket. I have an 8 hours shift and it's saturday, so it's buzzing. I always work as hard as I can, smile as wide as a can, and make the best sandwiches I can. A particularly picky woman comes in. Hers is the only sandwich I mess up. She asked for no onions, and I accidentally gave her everything the sandwich included. She beckons the manager who she whispers how they should really hire those who CARE about the customers rather than those hungry for money.

"You can take the rest of the day off."

I untie my smock and sulk off to the main street. It's cold. My jacket was stolen.

I call mom, no one's home. I continue to walk and watch a man skip across a crosswalk with his son. His wallet falls out of his pocket and I rush to pick it up and find them. I do eventually find them after about 20 minutes of searching for faces and going about 18 blocks in the opposite direction of my apartment. He smiles and thanks me warmly.

I'm still cold, my apartment is lonely and 18 blocks away and I was asked to leave the Café after one, measly mistake.

All in all, it's kind of sad how much this feels real. This is honestly a typical day that I wouldn't doubt I'd have.

Bad things happen to good people, especially when they rely too much on man's genuity and kindness, the stolen jacket.
One mistake can leave you feeling not only bitter, but angry at yourself. I should've listened JUST a little more attentively, right? Yes, yes. There's room for human error. But most employers don't just let that go. Administering life-saving medication. There is no room for human error. I want to be a Nurse, right? No matter how hard you work and how diligent you are or how great your people skills are, your mistakes with shine through those layers like rainbows. They're just bad-news rainbows
After a LOT of hard work and dedication, even acts that are altruistic, aren't rewarded. Sometimes you're left farther behind that you were before helping others. Recognition is something I've learned to live without. It's actually something I'm completely uncomfortable with. You may even think you're doing the right thing, but it ends up being exactly opposite of what the other party wanted or needed.

Now you have a peek inside my stuggles and what I'm faced with on a daily basis. I know a lot of people are faced with these too, don't get me wrong, but it just seems unfair sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much passion you have or hard work you have, some things aren't going to go your way. But every thing you have and do has some kind of value. Who cares what kind of value. We could be talking crumpled dollars here. They're ugly, but they could still but a sunflower.

Such is life.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

P.S. tabula rasa, how I need you.

Going, going, going, going...

2010-05-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

I honestly believe my actions and efforts will never be good enough to the extent I want them to be.
Eek, internal battle!

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Rule #64

2010-04-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

Never ever ever ever say "goodnight, I love you" when your girlfriend is still crying.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Old Blog Posts

2010-04-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's kind of

sad
funny
interesting
strange
frightening
alienating
eye-opening
nice
refreshing
renewing
invigorating
heart-wrenching
warming
comforting

to read how I used to see and perceive the world through my mind and words in my old blog posts. It's also strange to think that only Mandy and Claire know everything, EVERYTHING about me. Even old me. It makes me wonder if the rest of them would treat me or look at me differently. Hm, interesting.

I like present Cara. I like present life. Hell, I might just love it.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Drying up the Well

2010-04-26T23:28:00.000-07:00

little bird

I hear your call

God, my baby feet cannot catch man's fall

from our Eden

my baby hands

have no grasp on what reality is

what is this anymore

a tripped up scene

where the cool kids get cooler

and the loners more alone

tap, tap, tap

pen to paper

creativity spills on my desk

off my desk

into the cesspool of my existence

once fleeting

now bleeding through the pages

damn the ink well

it's gone dry.

Depth

2010-04-26T14:12:00.001-07:00

I need a deep, long-lasting conversation. About life, love, existence, God, why we're here, the value of friends and family, government, perspective on the future. Something.

I just saw a burning house. I said a prayer and sent a good thought their way. A burning house takes more than that. So do dying patients. And lost young adults. And grieving families. And unemployed single mothers with 3 kids under the age of 12. And abused animals.

God, I'm not upset with you. I'm upset with this fucked up world we live in and the seemingly pointless lives we lead. Not pointless, unless you make them so.

I will sap each ounce of life out of my own fleeting existence and live what I believe to be a noble life. I wish you were here to reassure me Chelsea.

But I've got Eric, Mandy, Claire, Jade, Alyssa, Brian, Derek, Caleb, Katie, Jenna, and many other wonderful people to help me do this. But thanks to you Chels, I call them family.

I love my family.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

P.S. I feel off.

Zoo Things

2010-04-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

So I love the zoo. I never really realized how much I really, really nerd-ily like animals and know about animals.

Today was great. Like it really, really was. As a matter of fact, this weekend was extraordinary aside from some saddening, terrible news. I'm not ready to talk about it because I'm still unaware as to how to react. Or how to think. Or what to do.

Well shit, here I am. Thinking about it. I'll write later.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Too Many.

2010-04-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

My heart aches today.

I don't know why today in particular, but it actually, physically hurts.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

R.I.P Ashley's Mom

No, Not You

2010-04-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

"Where should we get food?"

"The Barn."

*drive thru with an upside-down sign and a sketchy aura*

"Where should we eat?"

"The football field?"

"Sure."

*arrive at football field, eat, snuggle, look at the stars, and smile on the 30-yard line*

Goddamn, why did I become close with the best people in the entire world right before graduation?

Everything happens for a reason. I love you guys.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

"I'm sorry...?"

2010-04-22T19:25:00.001-07:00

Apologizing to God is a lot harder than I expected.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Eric Charles

2010-04-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

You make me want to sing and laugh and smile and skip and go all weak-kneed.

You also make me want to be a better person, love myself, become more immersed in the world emotionally, intellectually, and physically, question authority and standards, asses my morals, and solidify my positions.

You make love real.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Letting Loose.

2010-04-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

What's so goddamn sweet about putting on some cute threads, throwing your hair in a good-lookin' mess, and moving your body in rhythmic pulses and closing your eyes? Throwing your head back in a manic laugh and a smile on your young, painted face? Smelling sweet and sweating without caring because everyone else is doing it too?

Dancing is invigorating. Not to mention freeing.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Nothing is Ever Good Enough

2010-04-19T21:32:00.001-07:00

Man, I wish I could have an ego.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

(Me up at does) ; e.e. cummings

2010-04-19T19:18:00.000-07:00

Me up at does

out of the floor
quietly Stare

a poisoned mouse

still who alive

is asking What
have i done that

You wouldn't have

This poem changed my life and perspective on it. Thank you, Mr. Graber.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

P.S. Chelsea, I hope you hear me when I talk to you in my head and out loud. It feels like humanity is colder without you.

From the words of "Little Words"

2010-04-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

holy shit high school IS almost over.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Flashbulb Memories

2010-04-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

In AP Psyche first semester we learned about flashbulb memories. Because today has been particularly hard, I found it appropriate to describe to you what March 2nd was like in my mind and through my eyes. I can tell you right now that it was the worst day of my 6, 151 days on this Earth.

But I still can't. It's too hard. I've been wrestling with writing this post for a month now.

Fuck you John Gardner. Just FUCK YOU. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you.

But my love for Chelsea will surpass of that hate and anger and rage and sadness and hopelessness.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Grief.

2010-04-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

It's an ugly thing that tears my heart to little pieces and leaves me to be the one to piece it back together. It makes me stronger, and more prepared for the next tragedy, but what must tragedy exist? And why to such beautiful, inspiring, life-changing individuals?

Unfortunately, I still cry.

I find it embarrassing, because I know I should be strong and love Chelsea's light and her presence. But it straight up sucks that she's not PHYSICALLY here.

We'll be okay.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Lewis U Shoutout

2010-04-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

Thank you Alyssa, Jessica, Kaity, and Alex for already making me feel comfortable in what will be my new home for the next 4 years. I can't wait to play and room with you girls.

As scared as I am, I have a good feeling I'll be surrounded by great people to make the homesickness ease.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Looks, Statements, and even Laughs

2010-04-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I feel like they're always directed at me and something that I'm doing wrong. I feel like my last 17 years has been a wrong. I feel like I've been so close to getting that right, but I'm always just 2 steps away.

Today was a bad day, and there are 56 days left. I can manage that. I just wish I didn't want those 56 days to end so badly.

I am officially afraid, make that horrified, of growing up.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Pursuit of Happiness

2010-04-12T22:07:00.001-07:00

"I'll be good once I find it." - Kid Cudi

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Happy moment

2010-04-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

I am wearing my new faux denim dress and I think I look cute. I am in my car on the way home from seeing and old friend. I have my Owl City ticket in my wallet and I'm at the Poway Rd/Pomerado Rd intersection. There's an old man in a soccer mom minivan next to me. His windows are up and I wish he could hear "5 Years Time" by Noah and the Whale. Then "What I Got" by Sublime comes on.

I tap my fingers on the steering wheel and smile.

I'm happy.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Coming Together

2010-04-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

It had been a 0-0 ball game from 7 innings. We had won our previous game 8-2 over El Dorado and we were still feeling good. The game break was a little long, and the food was plentiful, but that's what game breaks are about ya know?

So here we are, in the 8th inning now and they scored one on us in International Tie Breaker. Rocco was our runner on second, and Shelley is up to bat. Shelley gets two strikes on her, and then surprisingly with TWO STRIKES lays down a bunt right down the third base line, moving Rocco to third. It looks as if the 1st baseman is going to tag her down the line, but she misses. Runners at 1st and 3rd, and Haley Steele is up to bat.

Haley is an amazing hitter, it just didn't happen to be an amazing hit. Shelley gets moved to 2nd, which is a plus, but no one else is moved.

So now, one out, runners and third and second. Angie Randazzo is up to bat.

I don't even remember what pitches she got but all I know is she hit the ball right to right-center field and both runs scored. I was so proud of her, still am. And we won the game

You may not care about ANYTHING that I just wrote about or didn't ever get the softball lingo, but I don't care. All I want you to know is that games like this are the epitome of my love for softball.

I love softball. I hope you can understand me a little better now.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

Value of Life Conclusion ¶

2010-04-06T23:23:00.001-07:00

I’m a seventeen-year-old girl who lives in the largest reality bubble known to man called Poway. I’ve had my run-ins with hardship here and there, every one of us does. Thankfully, I have never had cancer, or had to determine someone’s loved one’s worth in dollars and coins. The few years I have been here to gulp in the beauty of our existence, but I’ve learned that my life is an insignificant one compared to the billions of others that breathe the air I do. Insignificant in physicality and statistically, but when measured in emotion and impact, I am far from small. I believe that life is to be measured in unconditional positive regard for not only others, but for oneself. Life is to be measured in the happiness you feel when you do, say, see, and be what you want. Life is to be taken as it comes, not forced into framed perfection. I know my perspective on life’s value stated previously will change as I experience college, death, marriage, birth, and the other aspects of living, but my friend, Chelsea King, showed me that I will do one thing until my day of passing. It is a life “motto” of permanence and will tenaciously cling onto my heart. That is to “sap each ounce of life out of my own fleeting existence and live what I believe to be a noble life” (King).

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

"The most important things in life aren't things."

2010-04-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

D'Angelo was more than right. They're people. And I have some of the best in mine. This spring break has been better than I've ever expected it to be, and I didn't get smashed or vandalize or do things that went against what I believed in. I simply surrounded myself with wonderful people. Sometimes, that's all it takes. We miss you so much Chelsea.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

The Weekend

2010-04-05T16:44:00.001-07:00

Again, I love my friends more than they'll ever know. Thank you for all the smiles and laughs and security and love.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

The Gym

2010-04-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

The last time I was at the gym, Chelsea was there, speeding away on her stationary bike and making goofy faces at Claire and I in the mirror. Today was the first day I've gone since that day. I couldn't even look into the bike room. This week, I'm forcing myself to take a cycling class and I'm sitting in the bike she sat in. And I'm going to smile and know she's laughing at me, because SHE could do it better.

I love you Chelsea. I think about you everyday.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Dove.

2010-04-04T00:43:00.001-07:00

Can we please stop fighting? Olive branch please.

Yours Truly,
The Love of Your Life

"The Value of Life" Essay Intro ¶ (paragraph)

2010-03-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

Cara Terlep

Libby

Period 4: Expository Writing

29 March 2010

“My life is worth about a trillion bucks, what about yours?”

As Bill Gates wake up in the morning, I’m sure he rolls out of bed, he yawns and stretches and rubs his eyes. He brushes his teeth, and looks in the mirror. While he does all the simple things we do, he does it while being the richest man in America. But does that make his life more valuable than yours or mine? The waitress at the Original Pancake House has two kids and a husband. She works full time and believes success should be measures by how happy a person is, not how much they possess or achieve. Is she wrong? Different perspectives and roles in the world is what make the complexities of human nature. You may ask, “Oh highly metaphysical one, then how do individuals perceive the value of life?” That’s what I’m here to research, delve into, and explain to you that people’s opinions on the value of life aren’t right or wrong, they’re just different.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

P.S. Mrs. Libby, I hope you appreciate my voice.

Softball Frustration.

2010-03-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

I used to never get this angry when I preformed horribly. But for some reason the other day, I snapped. I came into the dugout, I cried and cried and cried. Maybe it was because the umpire told me to "hit the weights." Or maybe it was the 3 errors I made. Maybe it's because I couldn't hit the ball for shit. Maybe it's because I just want out of this season. Maybe it's because I just want everyone to care as much as I do.

Anyways, I HAVE to stop. It's immature, inappropriate, and childish. No more throwing my gloves on the ground. No more slamming the bat into the fence, and NO MORE lack of communication on the field.

Get over it, Cara.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Always The Big One.

2010-03-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like I always am expected to be the bigger person. In most cases, I find myself taking on that role, but why?

Why can't I be young and little just once? Sometimes, I miss immaturity.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Round II.

2010-03-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

It's happening again. I should've noticed it before, but it's the exact same thing as last year, just caught earlier. It's like a cancer, honestly. It slowly sneaks up on you, becomes part of you and your routine, and you notice little things that may be the symptoms, but you ignore them for you're in denial. Ultra-sensitivity, loss of pleasure in daily activities, weight gain, feeling guilty for no obvious reason, increased tearfulness, anger, and generally not feeling well, along with anxiety and tension, excessive blame placed on self, paranoia of others being angry, upset, or annoyed with the individual, and digestive issues.

I refuse to let all the work I've done on myself, my self-esteem, and my confidence go to waste.

Bye-bye birth control.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Logging Off

2010-03-22T21:25:00.001-07:00

I've gotten rid of both formspring and facebook.
I feel soooo good.

It's sad both of these things can be so consuming, and unnecessary at the same time.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Ingenuity.

2010-03-22T21:24:00.001-07:00

My least favorite thing other than ignorance. I'm so sorry if that's what you found it as. It was never, and will never be so.

Your TRULY,

Cara Marie

Goodbye, Facebook.

2010-03-21T21:50:00.001-07:00

I am taking a facebook hiatus. I'm actually excited!

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Getting Critical.

2010-03-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

Sure, if it makes you feel better, keep picking me apart. Keep telling me I'm strange. Keep telling me I'm not good enough. Keep laughing at what I love to do.

The more you pick out, the weaker my tower gets.
Collapse is inevitable, so be a part of the solution, not the problem.

Understanding others rather than criticizing makes a world of difference. You may not even see how critical you're being sometimes, but take a step back and see what remarks bother you and make the commitment not to make them.

*sigh* only in a softer world.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Official

2010-03-18T21:08:00.001-07:00

It is official. God wants me to ride a bike.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Dear Girl With the Period Stain,

2010-03-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

I know it's been almost 5 years, but I still vividly remember the day. It was the last week of 8th grade and I was walking out of math class with Mr. Lundeburg, and me a a girl I honestly cannot put a name to point you out. You were walking down the hall and you had a pretty, flowery, flowing skirt on with a giant, red blotch on the back end. My friend laughed, and I laughed. But I shouldn't have laughed. I am really, really sorry I never said anything to you. I truly am.

Yours Truly,

Cara Marie

"I'm okay."

2010-03-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

After 2 hours in traffic on the northbound and southbound 15, I'm okay. After a terrible day at softball, I'm okay. After missing my physical therapist and making more u-turns than I can count, I'm really going to be okay.

It may not be the way I think I wish it was, but maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe that friendship I want with my mom will grow in due time. Right now, she's the mother I've needed and had all these years. And I'd rather have her scream and yell and say things that I know she doesn't mean later for the next hopefully 40+ years of her life in combination with all the good things that are between us than them to not happen at all.

Ah, I always love a change in perspective. Thanks Chels, I needed that.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Never Ever

2010-03-16T19:12:00.001-07:00

I feel like I will never be good enough for my parents. "I have a little bitch for a daughter." I wonder where that supposed character trait came from. And I know she doesn't mean it. She really does love me. And I love her. It's just tough sometimes I guess.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Ineffable

2010-03-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

My friends are my world. They are the most beautiful, intricate and acceptingly compassionate beings I could surround myself with.

Emmeline, I had the same idea going into senior year. No more new friends, I didn't need them, right? But I was oh so wrong.

They're my Earth angels. Chelsea is my Heaven angel.

Thank you m.s. & c.g. & j.g. & a.l. & a.s. & j.b. & k.m. & b.k. of course, the love of my life, e.f.

There are too many more to thank, but these are the ones who have been my legs, heart, mind, logic, and even my motivation to face a new day these last few weeks. I love you more than you know.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Maybe, Possibly, Perhaps

2010-03-14T15:37:00.001-07:00

Maybe a completely new start in college is what was meant to be.

Wrecking Ball

2010-03-11T06:17:00.001-08:00

Drove past Lake Hodges today.

Fuck you, John Gardner.

Yours Seethingly,
Cara Marie

Vanilla Twilight

2010-03-07T20:16:00.001-08:00

The stars lean down to kiss you,

And I lie awake I miss you,

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.

Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,

But I'll miss your arms around me

I'll send a postcard to you dear,

Cause I wish you were here.

I'll watch the night turn light blue,

But it's not the same without you,

Because it takes two to whisper quietly,

The silence isn't so bad,

Till I look at my hands and feel sad,

Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways,

Though I haven't slept in two days,

Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.

But drenched in Vanilla twilight,

I'll sit on the front porch all night,

Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.

I don't feel so alone.

As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.

I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter,

And heavy wings grow lighter,

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.

And I'll forget the world that I knew,

But I swear I won't forget you,

Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,

I'd whisper in your ear,

Oh darling I wish you were here.

anytime I hear or think about this song from now on, I will think of you. You're always on my mind and in my heart Chelsea. I love you.

Yours Truly and Recovering,

Cara Marie

The Power of a Log

2010-03-04T19:04:00.000-08:00

I read Chelsea's reflection on her last log, which was written on Tolstoy's works, and it blew my mind.

It was about her perception of life and death, and how she believes life should be lived in order to suck in all the wonders, beauties, and amazement of life. Never before has it been presented to me in such a way that I decided that I would take it to heart.

I will from now on do nothing but "sap each ounce of life out of my own fleeting existence and live what I believe to be a noble life." - Chelsea King.

Yours Truly and still Painfully,
Cara Marie

Defining.

2010-03-04T13:19:00.000-08:00

There is no one else who can define beauty in just one picture. I'm so lucky to have had you in my life.

Yours Truly,
Cara Marie

Hey Baby Girl!

2010-03-03T22:04:00.000-08:00

hello sweetheart,

I've been talking to you all day, thinking about you all day, singing songs that remind me of you, and most importantly, remembering you for the person you were from February 25th and previously. Peer counseling is missing such a key member of their awkwardly, amazingly arranged existence. The cluster is missing it's most fun-loving, organic/vegetarian, passionately environmental, and enjoyable friend. The world is cringing from the loss of the one woman I was determined was going to save our planet, society, and happiness as a whole. My heart has a massive gap that I never realized you once filled. Honey, my heart is aching.

I've talked to your parents three times through this ordeal, and it's not question as to why your pops calls you his angel. There's no question as to why your mom loves you so, so much and talks about you with enthusiasm. There's no question as to why your brother will strive to live with you in his heart and soul. There is no better daughter, no better sister, and no better friend in this world.

You have always been beautiful, and you will always be beautiful to me. I've always admired how well you carry yourself, how eloquent you are, how intelligent you are, and especially how friendly you are.

Remember online math? hahaha, we laughed a lot in that class. We also dreaded that class. I would never dread it again if I could see you in that seat next to me one last time. Hell, I'd even take that damn radical test not you, or I, or Caleb, OR Carly could handle. I just know you made me smile every time we'd talk about anything, even if we didn't agree. You didn't judge me, as I never judged you. That's what friends do.

As angry and heart-broken and torn I am right now, I know I will move on. I know I will be happy again, and I know that I will eventually stop the tears. I will be okay once more, even if you are no longer physically in my life. I know that you want me to be okay. You have made such a positive impact on me emotionally and internally that I no longer have to have you with me, laughing with me, or hugging me. I have you in my heart.

I love you Chelsea. I'm so glad you're now at peace, because I couldn't live any other way.

You've changed my life, and for the better. No one else can do what you've done for me.

Love always and forever <3,
Cara, your other aunt cindy.

For Chelsea.

2010-03-03T21:26:00.000-08:00

beauty is a simple word

but she defines it.

our strawberry angel.

Yours Truly and Sorrowfully,

Cara Marie

Necessities.

2010-03-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

In order for my faith, sanity, happiness, and trust to exist any further, I need Chelsea to be alive.

I know this is a lot to ask God, but I need you more than I've ever, ever needed you. Even during that time in January of last year. Or that time in March. Or when I had nothing else left to live for.

Chelsea is my number one priority aside from my physical needs. Because I love her. Because she is my beautiful, wonderful friend.

Yours Truly and Positively,

Cara Marie